"Hello, er, um..." (pause and look down at set list) "Flint, Michigan! Are you ready to rock?!"
Well, it sounds like you've done it. You've taken that giant leap of faith, piled in a van with your band mates and hit the road. You're all so excited and everything is going perfectly...except for your drummer's BO...and your singer's insistence on singing the falsetto portion of "Bohemian Rhapsody" in your cramped, non-resonant living quarters ad nauseam...and your keyboardist's musings on the musical legitimacy of 80's synch-pop...and your guitarist, drooling on your shoulder. Though becoming touring road warriors is not a perfect science, there are things that everyone can do in order to live together in a less stressful environment. The following are tips on how to co-exist with your band of brothers and how to bring about a little Kum Ba Yah on the road.
1) If your band can't agree on what to listen to, then prepare to bring your iPod. And if you can all agree, still bring your iPod.
It sounds like such a small issue really. But let's consider this in the context of other work environments. How happy are corporate workers whose cubicle neighbors hum songs that they find annoying, or whistle, or talk too loudly on the phone? Essentially, a van is a smaller, more confining cubicle environment, where 4-6 people intimately co-habitate, on wheels. Does that make questionable musical tastes any less so? Definitely not. So if you cannot stand to listen to your bassist's Michael Bolton indulgence, prepare for this ahead of time and bring your own supply of tunes. Besides, people's tolerance for song repetition varies greatly so you can't go wrong bringing your own favorites.
2) Don't play any instrument consisting solely of air and flailing appendages.
Unless you are also hoping to gain a substantial following as a wicked karaoke band, air guitar on the road is a huge no-no. For one, it's annoying after about 30 seconds. For another, there is not nearly enough space in the van which means that you will ultimately end up maiming one of your fellow passengers and you don't have money to fix them up if you accidentally deck them during the solo in "November Rain", do you? This tip also applies to drummers whose "portable drum kits" consist of anything that doesn't move and some things that do.
3) Don't assume anyone else with bring anything useful.
Rechargeable batteries for the iPod? Check. Extra guy liner for that bad club lighting? Yup. A spare tire when the van gets a flat? Um, no, that was removed because it took up too much space and no one could fit the inflatable stage blow-up doll inside the van, so one of them had to go. Essentially, if you need it, assume that no one else will ever consider bringing it along. So before going on the road, make a list of all the things you personally will need, then a list of all the extras you'll need for your gear. Now add "first-aid kit", "extra cell phone battery", "phone card", "duct tape", "emergency credit card", "aspirin" and "frequent shoppers' cards" to your list. Now add everything that you know everybody else will need but will neglect to bring, starting with the items they always bug you for at your gigs because they forgot theirs (gum, picks, set lists).
4) Don't drink.
Alcohol is rarely known to bring out the best in people. Inebriation coupled with an infinitesimally tiny living space can ignite anyone's temper. And though it's hard to throw punches in a van, other damage can occur and name calling, drunken grudges and personal insults tend to not bode well for a band's long-term stability.
5) Eat well.
They say you body is your temple and when your temple starts to look like a dilapidated relic, fast food on the road is often to blame. A good rule of thumb is this - if a restaurant's main menu options consist primarily of fried foods, stay far, far away. Not only is this type of grub fattening, but it leaves you feeling sluggish and because of the lack of actual nutrients, you'll be hungry again a few hours later. Subway, Quiznos and other options with healthier fare are a better value for your money and will keep you fitting in those skinny jeans.
6) Be on time
6:30, 6:45, 7:05. At 7:22, Band Member X decides to finally show up for your 7:30 gig, armed with excuses ("Traffic was so bad, I've had a really bad day, I just lost track of time,") and none of the equipment he needs ("Oh, dude, does anyone have an extra cable? And a pick? Oh, man, and I forgot to replace my E string!"). Not only is this disrespectful to the other band members, but club owners and promoters don't relish this type of behavior. It's unprofessional, so don't expect to be on their short list of groups to have back at their club.
And bands, if this point refers to someone in the group who is not you, tell them to arrive 30-45 minutes earlier than when they're actually needed. For example, if load-in is at 5:30, tell them 5:00. This works both for arriving at a venue, and picking up people whose sense of time is entirely their own. And if you are responsible for picking up a procrastinator and this first trick doesn't work - leave without them. You will be amazed at how quickly they move when they realize you've left and they're not with you. Repeating this a second time is usually not necessary.
7) Throw away your trash.
There should be absolutely no explanation necessary for this one. If it's a box, bag, or carton with nothing in it, get rid of it. Don't stow it under the seat, toss it in the back or put it in someone else's bag - just throw it away. Why in the world are you keeping it anyway? What good is it possibly going to do you? And do you really like your van smelling of stale, week-old pizza and McDonald's?
And finally:
8) Respect your band mates' personal space, however small it may be. Nothing is more irritating than finding sweaty clothing, reeking shoes, and nasty garbage all around where you rest your head at night, particularly when it's not yours.
Hopefully, these useful tips can ward off fights over common issues. After all, if you're doing it right, being on the road is not only fun, it's also work. Bands need to be at their best to continually give consistent, meaningful first-impressions to crowds, promoters and venue owners. So, bands, good luck and remember, if all else fails, take a deep breath, count to ten and just say "Kum Ba Yah."
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